There have been a few gems but I think I will start with Engineer Ken the III. I’m sure you deduced from the name that this guy was an engineer, however, the III is because he was actually a 3rd. Like Benton Kingsly Scott III. Except—wait for it-- his name was actually worse. I would tell you the real one…and I realllly want to, but I have noticed most people keep things anonymous so I have decided that that is the way to go too. But lets just say…it was a doozy.
Anyway I met him out at a bar one night near my apartment in Arlington. I was sitting at the bar and of what I can remember (and I don’t remember giving him my phone number—yay Patron shots) he seemed nice and was pleasant looking. So he texted a day or so later (texted didn’t call—point deduction) and asked if he could take me to dinner or meet me for drinks. I opted for drinks because a. I like Workaholic Ken and am only going out with this guy so I am not the pathetic Barbie waiting for Workaholic Ken to get his shit together and b. I don’t remember what Engineer Ken III looks like. Fabulous.
I agreed to meet him at Mr. Smith’s in Georgetown for drinks. I decide I need to get there earlier than him because I want him to have to come up to me to say hello because as I have said I honestly I had no idea who I was looking for. Once again—really? You are 26. Get it together. Patron shots are not ALWAYS necessary.
So I get there early. And he comes up to me and he is definitely cute. Super preppy and clean cut. He looks exactly like the character Ryan from the show the OC. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1360270/. His parents own a law firm in the south. Law=Fail. But HE isn’t a lawyer so maybe there is hope for him. Nope—he wishes he had gone to law school. Why??? Regardless of this clear lack of judgment, we have a really good time. We talk about jobs, family, music, and movies, the usual first date stuff. His favorite movie is American Pscyho. I mention this because, though it is not particularly unusual for guys of our generation, it becomes important later. Another Cliffhanger I know…
Anyway, so I am matching his drinking pace (did I mention I was 5’1, oh and that I had already had a drink while I was waiting for him to arrive?) and soon enough I realize…Yup, I am drunk. Maybe he was too, because while we are sitting in the bar he leans downs and he kisses me. Um forward much? But whatever, it wasn’t that big a deal. Its almost midnight and we both have work the next morning so we decide its time to call it a night. Well I decide…He tries to get me to come back to his house to watch a movie. Riiiight. So I drop him at his car and he leans over and kisses me again and then gets a little handsy. Um yeah! Finally, he gets out of my car. He wasn’t a bad kisser just too aggressive, especially since we were still pretty much strangers. I quickly learned not to judge this preppy clean cut looking book by its cover.
Engineer Ken III texts me the next day saying he had a good time and would like to see me again. OOOH the other thing I should mention. This kid always uses smiley faces or winky faces in his texts. VOM. That is just not masculine at all. I suppose when used sparingly they are fine…but note to men—not in EVERY text. But I digress…
SO bottom line, we go out again. This time I meet him for drinks near his apartment. I should mention that this same evening Workaholic Ken calls to see what I am doing (not because he wants to do something he is just sort of checking in…he was calling from the office.) And I am a terrible liar and say I am meeting friends for drinks…he says what friends. I stumble over my words. Ugh. Why can’t he just get his act together!!!
Anyway, so I go to meet Engineer Ken III for drinks near his place. Yes I am a moron. I’m sure, as you are reading this, you are thinking to yourself, “drinks near his place=getting you back to his place.” You absolutely would be correct and of course this absolutely didn’t even cross my mind. Umm FAIL. So the date goes fine. Not as well as the first date in terms of conversation flow, but still solidly in the good range. The bar happens to be IN HIS BUILDING (oy)…So when he asks if I want to see his place it is kind of weird to decline since it is simply an elevator ride (note to self: I need to learn to “just say no”). So I go up to his apartment for one more drink. Clearly a mistake on my part but I am usually pretty good at getting out of these situations after a little bit—early day of work tomorrow etc.
Now let me tell you, his apartment is crazy OCD clean for a guy. It is just kind of sterile. It really reminds me of the apartment in American Psycho. It isn’t as nice but you get the idea. Oh and he has coasters for his bedside table which he uses religiously…We were kissing and I set my glass down (not on a coaster—I was a little distracted by him being attached to my face, he was lucky I didn’t spill!) and he stops kissing to look to see where I placed the glass and then moves it onto a coaster. Ummm American Psycho. OH and he only drinks scotch. Pretentious.
So we are sitting there and he of course tries to hook up with me. Um nooo. So since I shot that down he decides we should talk about sex and what we like to do etc. Um is this date 2? I don’t need to know what your fav position is. American Psycho. But I don’t want it to be awkward so I go along with it, talking about pretty normal likes and dislikes. You know standard things everyone likes. And then wait for it…he looks at me and asks me if I own a whip. And. He. Is. Serious. PAUSE FOR REACTION. Now first of all if you know me at all….NO I DON’T OWN A WHIP. I am definitely the Charlotte character from sex in the city. Like definitely. Don’t get me wrong, in a relationship, things are different and I can be quite fun and adventurous if I do say so myself…but date 2…do not ask me if I am in to S&M…Once again recall American Pscycho.
I leave at midnight and think to myself. What a weird guy! Clearly he wants sex. Now. Clearly I am not the right girl for him. But then Engineer Ken III texts me a day later to go out again!
WTF? I totally would have said no, but things with Workaholic Ken were still not going the way that I wanted them to, and I was feeling annoyed, sad, and frustrated, so I say ok to the date…Not the best moment for me. So I have him meet me for dinner a half a block from my apartment (meaning I am putting no effort into this whatsoever)…I wear jeans, boots, and a sweater. Once again, no effort.
Dinner is going well. We are talking about our families and jobs, you know, normal stuff. I am thinking to myself, maybe this could work. He is cute, and smart, from a good family, maybe we can get the aggressive sex situation under control. But don’t you worry….here come a few more American Psycho moments put the final nail in the coffin.
So Engineer Ken III gets steak (rare) and red wine. I get a Caesar salad and white wine. I don’t like red. At all. Like its not my thing. I just don’t like it. Also, I don’t like rare meat. At all. It looks raw and reminds me of the animal that it came from. However, first he insists that I try his wine knowing that I don’t like red. That is why he insists, to try to show me I am wrong. American Psycho moment. Fine, I take a sip. Its gross. Then our food comes and he insists on me trying his steak. Annoying, pushy, controlling yes but oh wait it gets better because---He cuts it into little bite size pieces for me. Instructs me to eat it and then drink more of his red wine. Are you voming yet. I know. American Psycho….
So after that I was just waiting for dinner to be over. But since he invited me up to his apartment, and we were less than a block from my apartment I felt obligated to ask him up for a drink. I know. I am too polite. It’s the southern hostess Barbie in me. Damn. So he comes in.
Now this kid is spoiled. First car was a Mercedes, now he drives a BMW, but my apartment is nicer than his. Much. Nicer. I think this made him jealous/like me more. More American Psycho-ness. Date 1 he talked about me meeting his parents (red flag right there wayyy too early)—but now, standing in my apartment, I can see him sort of picturing himself in my apartment in the future. Stop. That will never happen. So he tries to kiss me for a while but I am just not feeling it…I can only be so polite. So I say I am pretty tired and I know he took the metro here, so I could drop him at his house if he wanted or he could take the metro home. He lives like a 2 minute drive away. He opts for me to drive. Damn again. So I drop him off. Before exiting the car he awkwardly hugs me and I swear the usual male/female roles reverse. He is all like “So…will you call me” and I am like…”yea totally. Bye.” And I drive off with no intention of talking to this person again.
He texts me once more to hang out. I ignore it. He doesn’t text again. No more Engineer Ken III. It’s a good thing I ended it at date 3…I think the next date is the one where he takes the girl back to his place and gets the chainsaw. (If you haven’t seen American Psycho you really should—Mmmm Christian Bale).
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